Man Up...

There comes a time in life when even a woman has to "man up". We have to face that even the best laid plans often go awry. The storybook endings are just that. We often have to face the facts as they are, not how we would like them to be.

The control we thought we had often lies in others' hands. Choices that we make shape our destiny. The age old question come from the words of an old The Clash song, "Should I stay or should I go?" Either way, you gotta face the consequences. The severity of which depends on your emotional investment. Hurt a little now or a lot later... Cutting our losses to save one's own hide often deprives us of the ride of our lives, while sticking it out to the end often causes irreparable damage to the heart. The battle scars run deep. But the pay off of endurance is often the things fairy tale endings are made of. Giving that happily ever after feeling that every girl desires.

The ride is worth the price of admission. Enter at your own risk. Life is not responsible for any injuries that may occur during the ride as a result of the rider's failure to properly prepare. WARNING: You may experience the high that comes with living on the edge. You may experience sudden, bone shaking loss of control due to unforeseen pot holes, curves or sudden , steep drops in the road. Wearing a seat belt is highly recommended.

Just know that when you do exit the ride, you will be different than when you embarked. You will grab those tired ol', worn out boot straps and once again lift yourself above the din. Brush yourself off and trudge forward. Different in every way from when you started. Wiser than before. Carrying those lessons learned into the future so that the next time you step onto that thrill ride, you will be better prepared to land on your feet after the fall.

Man up. Lesson learned. Love always endures...It's the people that all too often fade.

Desperately Seeking Honesty...

hon·es·ty   /ˈɒnəsti/ Show Spelled[on-uh-stee] Show IPA
noun, plural -ties.
1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
3. freedom from deceit or fraud.

Thought I would give you the dictionary's definition since so many people these days seem to not know the meaning of the word.

At least that's the way it seems in the dating world.

There are levels of honesty in the dating underworld (or perhaps I should say levels of DIS-honesty).
1. The "No Truth in Advertising" Level...
*"I am divorced..I have no fiance', no live-in girlfriend or no girlfriend at all. I am single, I swear!!"

Who are you trying to convince here, me or yourself?

2. The "I'll tell her what she wants to hear in order to get what I want" Level... *"You're beautiful (ok..that one is true..lol). I feel a connection with you, this could be love."

But we haven't even met face to face yet! SERIOUSLY???

3. The "We're Just Friends" Level.. *"We hang out from time to time" "We kick it every now & then and btw, I can't return your text/call when we're kicking it" "Oh that's my friend calling, I gotta take this {click!!} That must be some friend!

That's just a glimpse into the pack of lies that are hurdled into our paths as we seek a partner. I didn't realize that dating was like gardening. Constantly pulling the weeds away so that when the flower rises, it can grow. Problem is, the flower often has weeds attached and it's hard to differentiate one from the other. You often uproot the good while trying to ward off the evil.

Life Happens...

Every now & then life pulls a fast one. Sends you someone that turns your world upside down when you least expect it. Fate, some would say. Dumb luck, others might think. Me? I think everything happens for a reason. Reasons we don't always understand.

In the most unlikely places, we may find unspeakable joy. It may come in the form of the most unsuspecting person that walks into our lives.

My joy. His name is James. He waltzed into my life not long ago. Smile on his face, twinkle in his eye, and not looking for anything in particular except for good conversation. I knew that from the moment we first embraced, I was in trouble. Danger is 6' tall with a sexy smile and eyes that can see right through me. His confidence overpowering his sensitivities. His need to connect in ways that most men can't, set him apart immediately. Smooth moves combined with a laugh out loud sense of humor, struck me to the core. *Swagga alert* He doesn't even realize what tools he possesses. A quality man vs a quantity guy. Swagger allows him to transition seamlessly from man of authority to man of sexiness and passion. All the qualities that I want in a person that I want to spend time with.

He wears his heart on his sleeve. Wants what we all want as human beings. To be loved and to be loved right. He foolishly thinks he can control his emotions. MEN! . Love on his terms. When, where, how and with who he wants. Silly man! Matters of the heart very seldom make sense or follow our chosen paths. Can you tell your heart what to feel?

His mind fights his heart at every turn. Mind over matter? It's the sensible thing to do..right? Rigid outlines on how his life is supposed to be. Emotions cause chaos. Never factoring in meeting someone who could divert his eyes from the prize. Men aren't supposed to follow their hearts. That's strictly girl stuff. Sometimes love doesn't fit into the nice, neat little package we envision. Sometimes it comes from out of nowhere. Fast, furious, breathtaking and right. Envelopes us in its goodness. Leaving us breathless and wanting more. There's no shame in doing what feels good. There's no harm in indulging ourselves to feel that heat. Heat that can burn us to the core. There is salve for that. The right person can soothe our crispy souls. Throw caution to the wind, walk on the wild side. Live for the moment and let yourself feel what you know is real. Allow a moment that's not by the books. That's outside the lines, that makes no sense in the big scheme of things. Give in to the desires of your heart for once and feel the joy of love that is pure and uninhibited. Take that ride and let the wind blow in your face. Feel the rain on your skin. Live with arms wide open and not thinking of what might be waiting around the next curve. Life is meant to be lived and love is meant to be experienced not planned down to the dotted 'I's' and crossed 'T's'!

You can have it all. Who says that you can't? You? Some book? Oh please! At the end of the day all that really matters is how you and your partner feel. Are you happy? Do you grin at the very mention of his/her name? Can you feel him/her even when he's/she's not there? Does the thought of him/her excite you? Do you want to be near him/her even when you're upset with him/her? No one's perfect and neither are we. We live, we laugh, we love, we're here!

Let go of your time-honored, stuffed shirt ideals and run barefoot through the field. Don't worry if there might be glass hidden amongst the grass. You get cut, I got band aids baby. :) Fly by the seat of your pants and feel the thrill of life unchained. The path to the mountain top doesn't move, it merely has a few hidden turns. But you'll get where you're going eventually. Maybe happier and with someone who loves you by your side. Isn't that what life is all about? Finding that 1 person who makes you feel you can do anything.

Treading Water...

One of the first things they teach you in swim class is how to tread water. It's an important skill to have if you're a swimmer. The reason you should know how to tread water is if you ever find yourself in deep water, on purpose or by accident, you will no longer be unable to function. Treading water enables you to keep your head above water for long periods of time lessening the chances of the swimmer drowning.

Too bad life outside of the water doesn't have a similar maneuver. I could've used that over the past few years. Losing special people left me feeling like I was drowning in a sea of grief.

I guess the passage of time is the closest thing to a "treading water" move in life. With the passage of time comes peace, acceptance, and the knowledge that life goes on.

People come. People go. Little life preservers thrown in your path to help get you through the rough patches. Friends are always there when you need them. We become less dependent on them as time moves forward. We "tread water" so we can continue to breathe. Then we start to swim again.

Butterfly stroke, breast stroke, front crawl, and backstroke. We do them all in an effort to get on with our lives. We go out. We meet people. We date. We laugh. We cry. We hope. We hurt. We love. We reminisce. We search for someone we can trust.

We find someone that seems too good to be true. We tread water while we wait for them to show their true selves because we all know no one's this good this fast. We tread water so we don't fall head over heels for someone who might end up disappointing us. And then we swim. Full speed ahead into the abyss. Hoping against all hope that he's truly what he appears to be. Good. Sweet. Kind. Honest. Loving. Sensitive. Caring.

The good thing about treading water is that it buys time so the swimmer doesn't panic and drown.

There will be no drowning today. Not here anyway. The time that I buy treading water will allow me to see things through eyes that aren't panicked.

There is Life After

There are times during this journey that one might feel that going on w/one's life is a chore that may be insurmountable (look it up James..lol). The loss of a loved one tends to bring everything you thought was right w/the world into question. Was there more that I could've done? Did I do all the right things? Did I fulfill their wishes as best as I could? Why now? How will I move forward? Can I do this on my own? What, if any, goodness is left?

The ups & downs, the backs & forths, the to's & fro's come at you at blinding speeds. You're not ready for all that is life after death. But here I was..plunged into a world that I knew nothing about in the blink of an eye. Alone for the first time in 25 years. What the what?

What do you do with all that spare time you've suddenly been handed? Usually you fill it w/menial tasks. Get out of the house. Hang out w/friends. Join a gym. Meet new people. Join an online dating site. Meet more new people. Sift through the endless sea of profiles and pictures. How do you choose someone based on their own words? How honest are they? Do they measure up? And to whose standards? Mine? Theirs? Society's?

Dust off the old B.S. radar. You're gonna need it. Dating in your 40's is nothing like dating in your 20's. You're older and wiser now. You're not gonna fall for any and every thing. Everything that looks good isn't always good for you. Weed out the less desirable w/the click of a mouse. AWESOME!

Just when you think there are no good men left...BAM! Along comes one...6 ft tall w/the most piercing eyes I've ever had the pleasure of gazing into. BUT...is he for real? For the first time in a long time, I feel alive inside again. But let's not get too carried away...it's early yet.

Life is for the living. It's just a different sort of life than I had before. I'm getting used to being unmarried. But it also feels good to have someone interested again. So I put one foot in front of the other...I breathe...inhale/exhale...Life goes on...little by little. Different yet the same.

Hmmm...who knew?

Dissecting James...

It's inevitable. If you dare to venture into this world of dating, you will meet someone along the way, who is unique enough to keep you guessing about what & who they are.

Meet my one-of-a-kind. James. A "normal" enough guy on the outside. Tall, dark, handsome. Student of people. Loves to talk and wants good conversation.

• Button Pusher! Expertly so. Finds them and presses them feverishly.


• Bull in a China Shop! Comes rumbling in, displaces things in his path and then retreats.


• Air Freshener! A breath of fresh air in this polluted world in which we live.


• Bad Romance! Wants to be loved but is afraid that will interfere with his life plans.


• Cardiac Arrest! Big man with an even bigger heart, which resides on his sleeve.


• Insatiable Appetite! Plate is always full. Can't seem to clear anything but manages to pile on more constantly.


• Thrill Seeker! Roller coaster of a man. Ups & downs. Sharp turns. Well placed obstacles in the path to his heart. Job, career, money...just to name a few.


• Fire Fighter! Likes to play with fire. Likes to start them, fan them and then watch them burn. Damage control after the fact.

I like him. He's a good guy beneath that suit of armor. It's not as ironclad as he thinks. There are cracks in it. I can see them when he sits beside me and looks into my eyes.

I nicknamed him Superman. Man of steel, able to leap life's obstacles and short women in a single bound. He likes that moniker. Signs his emails to me with it.

I'm enjoying this ride with him. I think he knows I'm a good woman. He just has no room in his life right now for someone like me.

Let's hope at some point he'll take those blinders off and see what's right in front of him

Superman meets good woman.

End of story!

Oh...The Dating Game..

continues for those of us too lonely and determined to not spend the rest of our lives without someone special in it. But where in the world does someone meet someone decent in this day & age? It's difficult to say the least.

So as I lamented to a friend about this very thing, he suggested to me, "hey why don't you try one of those online dating sites and see what happens?" Online dating sites? Really? I mean, seriously? Well that didn't seem too ridiculous actually.

So I joined a few sites and boy oh boy it's been some adventure! I've actually met a few good people along the way. I've had a few nice dates, chatted with a few interesting fellows and dodged one heckuva nice looking crazy dude. Interesting!

It's been a unique and learning experience. There is one fellow that has piqued my interest I must say. He's strong and charming. Slick tongued is what I would call him..but in a respectful way. Knows what to say and when to say it. He practically ran me over with emails to talk with him...said he liked what he saw when he viewed "my profile" on the dating site, wanted to get to know me better. Begged for my phone number which I eventually relinquished to him. Then came the invites to meet face to face. Every single conversation we had ended w/this, "please come see me..I want to look into your eyes and see what's there." Oh please...I thought...lol..don't make me laugh. As it turns out, he had the last laugh. He's charming, witty, intelligent, sexy as all get out and is one tall glass of water! I resisted as long as I could but eventually gave in to his request to meet face to face. I'm glad that I did. He's truly a gem, not perfect, but human. He studies people and has a good awareness of what one thinks. We both want to take things slow as we've both had bad experiences in this journey into the dating world. He makes me laugh. He makes me think. He makes me want him to be in my presence. It's far too early to declare anything except that I enjoy his company and I believe he enjoys mine. There is definitely some kind of "spark" between us. Some kind of chemistry that we've yet to figure out. There are still lots of things to cover in this newly budding friendship. I only hope he will let me stick around for a little while longer. There's frustration to the hilt but there's also joy unspeakable when I see him sometimes. He wormed his way in to my little corner of the world. Now I've got to figure out where or what I should do with him. I believe just to let things happen would probably be the best thing. I don't want to push too hard for fear of him running into the night screaming bloody murder.

This dating stuff is just so complicated. Balancing acts...not too much...not too little. It can drive a gal crazy!

Let's see where Superman wants to go. (That's my nickname for him ...Superman..b/c he's the man of steel..impurvious to bullets, pain and he can leap tall buildings and short women in a single bound..hehehehe)...

Ready....Set.....NO!

It's a good thing we don't really control our own destiny. Our lives would be in total disarray if we did. Or mine would be at least.

My husband had a saying that went something like this: "Your eyes are always bigger than your stomach." I never really applied that to anything other than eating until recently. I had my eyes set on a prize. Just knew I was going to get said prize. Had a plan in place and my chops were all set to bite down. But thanks to God, I was unable to pull it off.

Sometimes in our haste to improve our lives we make poor decisions. Some times loneliness can drive us to accept things that we normally wouldn't accept. Fool's gold. That's what he was. Nice and shiny on the outside. Looked like the real thing. Had the same sparkle as 14 carats. Just didn't have what it takes to be real gold. The packaging was nice but the box was empty. It's a shame really. All those good looks wrapped up in shiny paper but when you open the package, there's nothing there worth having. A shell. Pretty on the outside...empty on the inside.

God said to me one day, "get on your marks, get set, ready.....NO!" I jumped the line and had to start the race over. God said , "he's not the one I have for you but he's the one that I used at the time to get your attention. Now are you listening?" "Yes Lord." I said humbly. "Every thing is not meant to last a lifetime. I put him there for a season and his season is done. Now let him go so you'll have room for the one that I've been saving for you."

So the next time you think you are in control of your life, think again. Everything that glitters isn't gold, every closed eye ain't sleep and we don't always know what's best for us.

I'll miss brown sugar but I've gained a friend. His name is Richard. He was put into my life for a reason and for a season. His purpose served. It's time for him to move on. It's time for me to get on with the life I'm supposed to be living not the one that I thought I should be living.

Life in the widow-hood. It ain't easy.

The Rollercoaster Ride Continues...

If there is one thing I've learned thus far along this path of widowhood, it's that nothing is for certain. Things & people come & go. Just when you think you've got a handle on things something happens to throw a wrench into your well laid out plans.

I've made mistakes along the way. Too many to name as a matter of fact. This is what happens when you don't know what you're doing half of the time. But I've done it all with the best of intentions. Learning my way as I go. Things used to be so easy when my husband was here. I knew what he liked. I knew what made him happy. I knew how he would react to things. I knew what he would say in any given conversation. But these new people in my life, they're not him and I have to remember that. I don't know squat about them. So I keep running into the many walls that surround them. Bouncing off only to run into the next one.

I feel like a fish out of water. I go out w/friends and have a good time but it's not the same as having those loving arms waiting for me when I walk through the door. I feel like I'm just going through the motions most of the time. You don't know whose married and whose not. You feel too cynical but then when you get the whole story you feel stupid b/c you weren't cynical enough to ask the right questions.

Up, down, up, down. The roller coaster ride of widowhood. Can someone please stop this ride so I can get off? I don't want to ride anymore.

Live and Learn...

I knew that when I was thrust into this world of being a widow there would be a learning curve. I didn't, however, realize the curve was going to be so sharp that I would have difficulty navigating it.

I knew that the world of dating had changed immensely since I resided there. The world that we live in has changed and the people that inhabit it have changed as well. I had no clue what was waiting for me as I ventured into this foreign land.

I have made my first mistake in the dating game. I thought that I was being too cynical when I first met and started to talk to a guy that I met not long ago. I asked questions after questions. Most of the time the answers I received didn't quite add up. Some thing was just a little off. Couldn't put my finger on it exactly, but knew that something was just not quite right with his story. He then told me that I ask too many questions and if I'm going to continue to be that inquisitive, I'm going to scare guys off. So I backed off. BIG MISTAKE #1!!

We interacted almost on a daily basis over the course of 8 months. We were getting to know one another. We weren't on a serious level so to speak. Just getting to know each other. Slowly but surely. We had lots of good conversations and he shared a great part of his life w/me. I felt that perhaps this was a good thing. It felt good to have someone calling and checking with me on a daily basis. It made me feel as though someone cared again. I hadn't had those moments in such a long time. I admit that I got caught up. He was so nice looking and so nice to me. We enjoyed each others company and I liked him. He made me feel alive. So my guard went waaaaaaaayyyyyy down. I felt comfortable around him and thought that perhaps something good would come about. Although he had told me that he had a "friend" that lived about 2 hours away from where we are and that from time to time she would come visit him to "hang out". As time passed it became clear that this "friend" was more than just a friend to him. It was way more than that. I should've bailed quite some time ago. But I didn't and now I am paying the price for dancing.

That all changed abruptly. Everything that I thought I knew..I didn't. He disappeared. Poof! Gone with the wind. No longer has the same phone number, no longer works with the same company, no longer attends the gym where we were both members. I was blindsided by this behavior. I never saw it coming. The last we spoke...everything seemed fine. Nothing was any different than before. We laughed and he spoke about coming over to my house to see me. And then BAM!! he was gone. No goodbye, no see ya later, no nothing. I have been hurt by this. I thought this man was out of my league but it turns out that I'm out of his league. I miss him and I miss talking with him. I'm also concerned for his well being b/c I don't know what happened to bring this kind of thing on. I feel like an idiot for caring so much.

So I must move on and leave him in the past. But I feel that it's unfinished. I want to let him go but I have so many questions in my head about what happened and why he would do this. The ones that come after him are going to pay for his faults. That's not fair to those innocent guys that may come into my life later. But I don't want to be made a fool of again.

Pitfalls. I fell. I'll get up, brush myself off and try to continue on my way. I know now that I should question everything. And if I don't like the answers I get then I should run for my life in the opposite direction. This may cause me to be alone for a very long time to come but so be it. I'd rather be alone than to have these feelings of failure.

Live & learn. No truer words have been spoken. Just because someone looks fine on the outside doesn't mean their inside person is good. Some folks are a shell. Great on the outside...nothing on the inside. :( I'm sad but I'll prevail. I've made it through bigger and harder situations than this. And I'm still standing. Not feeling too smart at this point...but I will not repeat this faux pas.

Birthday Wishes

Today my husband would've been 72y/o. How would he feel about that? I'm not sure. He was 25 years my senior but we had so much in common it was scary. Either I was older inside than I should've been or he was younger inside than he should've been. Either way, we worked.

I miss him so much. He wasn't much on celebrating birthdays. He just wanted me to say Happy Birthday and that would be all he'd want from me. It never seemed like it was enough. Now it seems like it's too much, too late. He never seemed that much older than me. I never saw him as that much older. I still don't think of him as being that much older than me.

How I wish he were still here. We lived, we laughed, we played, we cried, we loved, we gave life and we watched life taken away together. He had always been by my side for all of those things. So those things are difficult to get through now without him. I feel empty inside. Half of a person. To borrow a line from Jerry McGuire, he completed me.

So as I wish him a happy birthday, on this his 72nd, I want to close my eyes, blow out the candles and wish for all the things that we had together. That yesterday would come again and I could hold his hand and tell him how much I love him. That I could feel "normal" again....whole....complete.

Happy Birthday John. I miss you. I love you. I wish.......

Moving forward??...

Sometimes it feels like I'm moving forward at 100 mph. Other times I feel as if I'm not moving at all. And then there are times that I feel I'm moving backwards.

One of those backward times hit me a few days ago. Out of nowhere it came. Sneaking up on me like a 3rd grade boy at recess trying to scare a little girl with a fake spider. BAM! I was transported back to July 22, 2009 in a flash! It felt like John had just died and I didn't know what I was gonna do next. I missed him so much I ached inside. I wanted to feel his arms around me more than I wanted to breathe. The tears came. I told him over & over how much I missed him & how much I wished he were here. I told him how unfair it was that he was gone. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be here. By my side. We were supposed to live happily ever after. Happily ever after was only 25 years long. That's not long enough. No amount of time is ever long enough when you love someone.

It rocked my very core this trip back to the day my world changed. I've often heard the 2nd year is harder than the 1st. It's true. I'm now at the point where I know John is really gone. He's not coming back. I'm really all alone. Nothing left but memories, pictures and videos of what used to be. My world, my happiness, my husband, my family.

He'll always be a part of me. And I know that I can recall him any time that I want. But it's not the same. I'd rather feel him next to me, breathing, snoring softly in my ear, which makes me elbow him and say.."turn over, you're keeping me awake." The thing I miss the most....coming home to him. Knowing he was here waiting for me everyday was worth it's weight in gold. I miss that and everything that comes with it.

I won't stay in this place for long. But it's a place that I have to visit in order to move forward. I'm between the living and the dead. Afraid to let go, afraid to hang on.

I miss you, John. Now & forever. I love you. Now & forever. I won't ever forget.

Weight Bearing..

Some things in life can't be avoided. Death, taxes, breathing are just a few. And then there are the things that you've put on your own shoulders to do. Those are, perhaps, the things that tend to make you dread being in this predicament.

I had to go to the cemetery today to remove the Xmas decorations I had placed on my husband, son and mother-in-law's graves. It's a little thing but it's something that makes my day so heavy. I carried it out like a good wife, mother and daughter-in-law should. But I left sadder than when I arrived.

For some reason, its gotten harder to go out there since I buried my husband. I was just getting used to going to the cemetery to visit my son's grave when my husband passed. Now it seems to be heavier than it ever has been. Half of my family is there and it takes a toll no matter what I do. I know that I'm still fresh in my grief for my husband and that has a lot to do with it. I don't go as much as I used to and I feel guilty for that at times. I have no one to share this with any longer. I used to go & visit my son's grave and come home and tell my husband about it and I knew that he knew how I felt. His death has left me here to deal w/the loss of a child all alone. He was the only other person that knew my pain on a personal level because we lost OUR son. He felt the same pain and loss as me. That has been a huge deal for me. I feel so alone.

I feel so alone in most things. It's unbelievable how much I had come to depend on my husband for companionship and understanding. I miss having someone who understands me on the same level when I say, "I miss Derrick".

Having to go to the cold cemetery to do for the ones I love is sometimes more than I can bear. But I have no choice...that's where they are. I'm left here to do the weight bearing exercises that others have no clue about.

Another Year

has come & gone. It seems to get faster every year. You have no time to enjoy the little things.

The new year brought with it, it's share of trials already. After going to a birthday dinner for one of my nieces, I came out to a car with a flat front tire. Ugh! Proceeded to change the flat out for the "donut" and lo & behold the "donut" was flat as well. (Doh!) That means I had to call AAA to come and tow us home. Thank God for nice tow truck drivers. He was so kind and efficient in his work. He made a bad situation a little more bearable for those of us who don't think to check the air in the spare every now & then. (DOH again). This all meant that on New Year's day I had to spend my morning getting a new tire and I also decided I was done with the "donut" as the spare. Got a real tire! My husband would be so proud. He hated those "piece of crap things they call tires". He would have blown a gasket if he were here to witness that masterpiece of idiocy. I heard his voice in my head over & over the whole time we were waiting for the tow truck. It made me smile a little believe it or not.

Now with the crisis over, I can concentrate on moving into 2011 and trying to navigate these waters with a little more experience under my belt. I'm by no means an expert, but I feel a little more confident than I did last year this time. I'm beginning to feel like I can face anything. I'm getting used to being alone which in a way makes me sad because that means I have gotten to the place where I have accepted my fate which means I know my John is gone. While that may sound crazy to some, it's been my life for the last year & a half. Knowing he's gone, hoping it's a nightmare that I'm waiting to come out of. There is no nightmare. It's real. But I can make it and I will. Thanks to God, family, friends and football, I will be productive again. I will have an identity of my own.

I still miss him. I still have a long ways to go but I'm more comfortable with the road that I'm on at this point. I recognize the landscape and know that I'm heading in the right direction.