Sometimes it feels like I'm moving forward at 100 mph. Other times I feel as if I'm not moving at all. And then there are times that I feel I'm moving backwards.
One of those backward times hit me a few days ago. Out of nowhere it came. Sneaking up on me like a 3rd grade boy at recess trying to scare a little girl with a fake spider. BAM! I was transported back to July 22, 2009 in a flash! It felt like John had just died and I didn't know what I was gonna do next. I missed him so much I ached inside. I wanted to feel his arms around me more than I wanted to breathe. The tears came. I told him over & over how much I missed him & how much I wished he were here. I told him how unfair it was that he was gone. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be here. By my side. We were supposed to live happily ever after. Happily ever after was only 25 years long. That's not long enough. No amount of time is ever long enough when you love someone.
It rocked my very core this trip back to the day my world changed. I've often heard the 2nd year is harder than the 1st. It's true. I'm now at the point where I know John is really gone. He's not coming back. I'm really all alone. Nothing left but memories, pictures and videos of what used to be. My world, my happiness, my husband, my family.
He'll always be a part of me. And I know that I can recall him any time that I want. But it's not the same. I'd rather feel him next to me, breathing, snoring softly in my ear, which makes me elbow him and say.."turn over, you're keeping me awake." The thing I miss the most....coming home to him. Knowing he was here waiting for me everyday was worth it's weight in gold. I miss that and everything that comes with it.
I won't stay in this place for long. But it's a place that I have to visit in order to move forward. I'm between the living and the dead. Afraid to let go, afraid to hang on.
I miss you, John. Now & forever. I love you. Now & forever. I won't ever forget.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Weight Bearing..
Some things in life can't be avoided. Death, taxes, breathing are just a few. And then there are the things that you've put on your own shoulders to do. Those are, perhaps, the things that tend to make you dread being in this predicament.
I had to go to the cemetery today to remove the Xmas decorations I had placed on my husband, son and mother-in-law's graves. It's a little thing but it's something that makes my day so heavy. I carried it out like a good wife, mother and daughter-in-law should. But I left sadder than when I arrived.
For some reason, its gotten harder to go out there since I buried my husband. I was just getting used to going to the cemetery to visit my son's grave when my husband passed. Now it seems to be heavier than it ever has been. Half of my family is there and it takes a toll no matter what I do. I know that I'm still fresh in my grief for my husband and that has a lot to do with it. I don't go as much as I used to and I feel guilty for that at times. I have no one to share this with any longer. I used to go & visit my son's grave and come home and tell my husband about it and I knew that he knew how I felt. His death has left me here to deal w/the loss of a child all alone. He was the only other person that knew my pain on a personal level because we lost OUR son. He felt the same pain and loss as me. That has been a huge deal for me. I feel so alone.
I feel so alone in most things. It's unbelievable how much I had come to depend on my husband for companionship and understanding. I miss having someone who understands me on the same level when I say, "I miss Derrick".
Having to go to the cold cemetery to do for the ones I love is sometimes more than I can bear. But I have no choice...that's where they are. I'm left here to do the weight bearing exercises that others have no clue about.
I had to go to the cemetery today to remove the Xmas decorations I had placed on my husband, son and mother-in-law's graves. It's a little thing but it's something that makes my day so heavy. I carried it out like a good wife, mother and daughter-in-law should. But I left sadder than when I arrived.
For some reason, its gotten harder to go out there since I buried my husband. I was just getting used to going to the cemetery to visit my son's grave when my husband passed. Now it seems to be heavier than it ever has been. Half of my family is there and it takes a toll no matter what I do. I know that I'm still fresh in my grief for my husband and that has a lot to do with it. I don't go as much as I used to and I feel guilty for that at times. I have no one to share this with any longer. I used to go & visit my son's grave and come home and tell my husband about it and I knew that he knew how I felt. His death has left me here to deal w/the loss of a child all alone. He was the only other person that knew my pain on a personal level because we lost OUR son. He felt the same pain and loss as me. That has been a huge deal for me. I feel so alone.
I feel so alone in most things. It's unbelievable how much I had come to depend on my husband for companionship and understanding. I miss having someone who understands me on the same level when I say, "I miss Derrick".
Having to go to the cold cemetery to do for the ones I love is sometimes more than I can bear. But I have no choice...that's where they are. I'm left here to do the weight bearing exercises that others have no clue about.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Another Year
has come & gone. It seems to get faster every year. You have no time to enjoy the little things.
The new year brought with it, it's share of trials already. After going to a birthday dinner for one of my nieces, I came out to a car with a flat front tire. Ugh! Proceeded to change the flat out for the "donut" and lo & behold the "donut" was flat as well. (Doh!) That means I had to call AAA to come and tow us home. Thank God for nice tow truck drivers. He was so kind and efficient in his work. He made a bad situation a little more bearable for those of us who don't think to check the air in the spare every now & then. (DOH again). This all meant that on New Year's day I had to spend my morning getting a new tire and I also decided I was done with the "donut" as the spare. Got a real tire! My husband would be so proud. He hated those "piece of crap things they call tires". He would have blown a gasket if he were here to witness that masterpiece of idiocy. I heard his voice in my head over & over the whole time we were waiting for the tow truck. It made me smile a little believe it or not.
Now with the crisis over, I can concentrate on moving into 2011 and trying to navigate these waters with a little more experience under my belt. I'm by no means an expert, but I feel a little more confident than I did last year this time. I'm beginning to feel like I can face anything. I'm getting used to being alone which in a way makes me sad because that means I have gotten to the place where I have accepted my fate which means I know my John is gone. While that may sound crazy to some, it's been my life for the last year & a half. Knowing he's gone, hoping it's a nightmare that I'm waiting to come out of. There is no nightmare. It's real. But I can make it and I will. Thanks to God, family, friends and football, I will be productive again. I will have an identity of my own.
I still miss him. I still have a long ways to go but I'm more comfortable with the road that I'm on at this point. I recognize the landscape and know that I'm heading in the right direction.
The new year brought with it, it's share of trials already. After going to a birthday dinner for one of my nieces, I came out to a car with a flat front tire. Ugh! Proceeded to change the flat out for the "donut" and lo & behold the "donut" was flat as well. (Doh!) That means I had to call AAA to come and tow us home. Thank God for nice tow truck drivers. He was so kind and efficient in his work. He made a bad situation a little more bearable for those of us who don't think to check the air in the spare every now & then. (DOH again). This all meant that on New Year's day I had to spend my morning getting a new tire and I also decided I was done with the "donut" as the spare. Got a real tire! My husband would be so proud. He hated those "piece of crap things they call tires". He would have blown a gasket if he were here to witness that masterpiece of idiocy. I heard his voice in my head over & over the whole time we were waiting for the tow truck. It made me smile a little believe it or not.
Now with the crisis over, I can concentrate on moving into 2011 and trying to navigate these waters with a little more experience under my belt. I'm by no means an expert, but I feel a little more confident than I did last year this time. I'm beginning to feel like I can face anything. I'm getting used to being alone which in a way makes me sad because that means I have gotten to the place where I have accepted my fate which means I know my John is gone. While that may sound crazy to some, it's been my life for the last year & a half. Knowing he's gone, hoping it's a nightmare that I'm waiting to come out of. There is no nightmare. It's real. But I can make it and I will. Thanks to God, family, friends and football, I will be productive again. I will have an identity of my own.
I still miss him. I still have a long ways to go but I'm more comfortable with the road that I'm on at this point. I recognize the landscape and know that I'm heading in the right direction.
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