Easy Come...Hard Go

Every so often God places an angel right where you need them. Just in the right place and at the right time. It can be a chance meeting in the mall or perhaps a coincidental swim in a pool at the gym. Either way, it's not orchestrated by human hands but something more omniscient instead.

Not looking...yet finding.

One such angel fell into my life not so long ago. I was in a place where few dare to venture. Alone and wondering if any degree of happiness would ever enter my world again. Wallowing in a pity party extraordinaire.

Then...BAM! An angel broke the surface of the water in that pool. "Hi there", he said. I was taken aback by the friendliness of this stranger. With a smile that lit up his whole face he said, "you swim pretty good there. How long have you been swimming like that?". I answered. A conversation ensued. We met up again about 3 or so months later at the same gym in the same pool area.

We became something. It was never quite clear to me what that something was. There was never a label put on it. But it felt good. I had often wondered, since losing my husband a year ago at the time, if I could "date" and not have guilt feelings. In my mind, I thought if and when that "dating" opportunity arises, I may feel like I'm doing something wrong. The answer to that was a resounding NO.

This angel lifted my heart and gave me a new & improved outlook on life. He touched places that had lain dormant for years. No..No..No..I'm not talking about physical places, but places within. Places that had endured the loss of a child and more recently the loss of a husband. In a few short months, this angel mended the broken places with just a flash of his smile. All the questions that had so often entered my mind since the death of my husband were answered.

Would someone ever be interested in me again? YES.
Would someone find me interesting enough to spend time with? YES.
Would I feel good about sharing time with someone other than the man I just spent 25 years with? YES.
Was it different? YES. It was supposed to be.
Would I compare this guy to my husband on any level? YES. It was inevitable. I'm only human afterall. Did he come up short? Don't ask...Don't tell. :-)

Bottomline: Just when you think that things will never change, God sends an angel.

My angel is now my friend. A friend to whom I'll always be grateful for something he will probably do numerous times in the future. He changed my perspective and gave me a new view of life. He taught me that when you least expect it...expect it. He reminded me that nothing is a given and things don't always turn out the way you hope. I'd much rather suffer the loss than never to have had the experience. He entered on a blaze of glory, he rode out softly leaving his mark on my life.

I owe him more than I can ever repay in my lifetime. I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for him and I'll always be there for him to lean on.

The funny thing is that he doesn't even realize what he's done. He was just being who he is at the time.

Life in the Fast Lane..

Wow! It's been quite some time since I've posted on this blog. I'm slipping!

My life has made some definite changes over the past few months. They've come at break neck speed. It's amazing how time does seem to be the balm that comforts the pain. While I still miss my husband to no end, the sting has lessened somewhat. Getting out & meeting people has helped that immensely.

The young man that came into my life at seemingly the right moment has made some changes in his life. Although I don't know if the changes are permanent, I do know that he seems more like he should be. We keep in touch on a daily basis and he shares alot of his life w/me in conversation. I wasn't sure if I really was ready for any type of relationship w/this man or any other for that matter, but I find myself enjoying the moments that we share. We are not "an item" by any means, but we do have a building relationship...one stone at a time.

He makes me smile and I hadn't done that in quite some time. He lifted my heart when I didn't think it would ever feel light again. He doesn't understand the enormity of what he did for me by just being himself. He has a long way to go in the maturity department even though he's 45y/o. His emotional man is somewhat stunted. That's frustrating for someone like me. I'd love to get my hands on the person who lead him to be this way. He has so much potential to be a wonderful mate for someone but he shies away from it constantly.

Anyhoo, life in the widow hood happens fast and if you're not careful you may miss something that's important.

You can live again. I can live again and not feel like I'm betraying my husband. He'd want me to be happy. I'm not as happy as I could be but I'm not as sad as I used to be either. It will all come together. I know one thing for sure, if it's not meant to be...it won't. So I'm gonna stay on the train and ride it until it gets to the final station. Only then will I step off. It will have been a learning experience and I hope it will have changed both of us for the better.

I Ain't What I Used to Be

Boy, you can sure tell that things change as time passes. There was a time that I could stay up for days and not feel the least bit tired. Those days are gone forever. Recuperating now takes days instead of hours, like before. I try not to do this type of thing very often and now I know why. I ain't what I used to be.
Time has changed alot of things about me. Not only my looks but my energy levels as well.

Life in the widow-hood this past weekend consisted of a birthday celebration for one of my friends. Little did I know that I was going to be "kidnapped" upon my arrival to said celebration and "forced" to stay up all night and go out to the breakfast the following morning. I should have left when I had the chance. Oh, not because I wasn't enjoying myself or that I didn't want to hang out with them, but because I'm OLD now and can't get it together after staying up 24+ hours. I should have followed the random dude's lead when he bolted for bed. He's my age, he understands that 40 somethings shouldn't be trying to hang w/the 20 & 30 somethings. Get out while you can! I ain't what I used to be.

It did, however make for an interesting night. Laughter everywhere. It can be very entertaining to watch people who are normally so quiet become so unihibited due to the consumption of alcoholic beverages. Everything was debated. Sometimes to no real end. "And your point is....?"

Breakfast was good, the company of my friends a treasure of a memory to hold onto, the little "pecks" from the random dude will tide me over until we meet again (and who knows when that will be..his schedule is a bit much). What more can a gal want or need? There are a few things but I won't get into that here.

I ain't what I used to be and you know what, Thank God for that. And even though I'm not what I used to be, I like what I am.
It's all good in the widow-hood.

It's Raining Men

It's amazing how quick the tides can turn. A few short months ago I thought I was on my way to a quiet, lonely rest of my life. I felt invisible, for the most part, whenever I entered a room. Heads didn't turn, they never have. So the thought of meeting anyone, much less numerous men, never entered my mind.
But an evening at the gym, in the pool changed all that and apparently, that opened the flood gates. It makes a girl feel good if you want to know the truth.
Thanks to these gentlemen, though, I feel alive again. I can breathe again. You see, when I lost my husband over a year ago, it took my breath away. I didn't think I would be able to breathe again. I was wrong.
The attention shown to me by these gentlemen has made me realize that I am still alive. And that's it's ok to explore my options. I pretty much know which one will prevail, but it could be fun evaluating each of them.
I laugh when I think about it. My late husband would think, "look at them jockeying for my wife. I told her she wouldn't have a problem with finding someone after I was gone".
While this attention is nice, I'm not going to allow it to swell my head. They are nice guys, but I can tell you one thing that they are not.
They are not, John. That's a good and bad thing. They'll never be John. They can't be. That's the good part. But it's a signal that John's gone. He's no longer my husband and I'm free to date.
So I'll put out my umbrella and keep on strolling. Did anyone tell you that it's raining men? No one told me either. It's gonna get interesting around here.

Settling the dust...

Well, crisis averted! My stupidity didn't cost me anything too valuable; although I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I'm not so sure I like handing the keys to someone else after being the driver for so many years.
Once I removed my foot from my mouth, things began to be a lot less tense for me. I knew I had over stepped my bounds and I felt bad about it. My friend didn't deserve that. He was an innocent bystander to my desire to protect me from being a fool. Which I accomplished w/great ease and agility btw. Turns out I didn't need his help to be a fool. I can do a fantastic job of it all by myself. How wonderful a revelation. <eyeroll>
So the keys are in his hands and I'm sitting back and taking/waiting for the ride to begin. I can't help but still feel something's not quite right here. Perhaps that's paranoia, perhaps wisdom. I don't know for sure. It's the little things that aren't adding up here and if you add up enough little things, they become a big thing. I'm trying not to do that. But it's difficult.
So.....I just squander time w/useless things to occupy my time while I wait on someone else to decide my fate. Ewwwww...that doesn't taste good to me at all. My late husband would be thoroughly disappointed. But.....we do what we have to do to survive. Right now, I like my friend being in my life no matter how brief a time interval it is. If & when I tire of this....this...."stepping aside" moment, I shall voice it and take it from there.
This would be a heckuva lot easier if he weren't so easy on the eyes. That has complicated things. Good looks do get those that possess them privileges that the rest of us regular people can't even fathom. Amazing! I never considered myself a superficial person, but apparently, I am. Sad. Disappointment #2.
I've accepted a role I normally wouldn't have b/c he's so dern hot! Pathetic! But OMG, what I wouldn't give to lay 1 on him! Good Lawd!
So the dust has settled and I'm trying to be content with this role I've accepted for the sake of a pretty boy. Yes...It's been that long for me! LOL

A Plate Full of Crow and Jumping to Conclusions

Yeah. Eating crow. I wish I didn't have to, but I must.

You see, jumping to conclusions ultimately will lead you to eating crow. The 2 go hand in hand. Apparently jumping to conclusions greatly enhances your appetite b/c the plate of crow served afterward, is always loaded to the rim.

The really stupid thing about this is the fact that I seem to repeat this faux paux to the infinite power especially here of late. I spoke of this nice, young man that I met at the gym and his lack of communication skills in my previous post, "The Rules Have Changed". These ingredients came together to create the "perfect storm" of jumping to conclusions.

Leaving people in the dark is never a good thing. Leaving people in the dark that haven't been in the dark for 26 years is catastrophic. I was that person this past weekend. Stranded in the dark. Haven't been in that kind of darkness in 26 years so you know...yep...perfect storm conditions. Communication has been known to mitigate these factors to almost nothing. But why communicate when we can assume?

Talk, talk, talk...define, define, define and avoid, avoid, avoid all the jumping that was going on. Save yourselves from yourself and inform people before they jump.

As for me, I'm gonna stop jumping. I don't like the taste of crow so much.

The Rules Have Changed...

Apparently, the rules that were in place the last time I was starting a relationship have changed immensely.

I don't remember it being this difficult. In this age of slim, lightweight, mini computer communication devices, you would think getting in touch w/someone would be a breeze. Of course, I am assuming that said person WANTS to be "touched". What are "phone issues" anyway?

Bottomline here: I met a seemingly nice guy in the gym where I exercise 3 times/week. We hit it off from the first time he spoke to me in the pool. He's nice looking, my age, takes care of himself physically, dresses nice, looks good in a swimsuit (not a speedo), kind, considerate and respectful. What's not to like? I thought, "ok...what's wrong w/this dude? He's all of those things and he's not married nor, according to him, have a steady g/f." When I asked those questions of him, he said, "No, I'm not married and I don't have a steady g/f, I have "friends". Hmmm...ok...friends. Are these "friends" in the true sense of the word or "friends" like the young people have today? You know, "Hi, this is my friend, Johnny. We sleep together but we're really just friends." I didn't push it b/c we just met a few months ago and I don't want to come off as a nosey so & so.

Everyday for the last couple of weeks, this man has either texted me or called me. He's called me beautiful, told me I was funny and he likes funny, has "really wanted to see you tonite". We got together after missing each other for about a week a few days ago. Since that night, 2 texts and 1 call b/c of the aforementioned "phone issues".

Problem is; I like him. He's nice, he's friendly, he's absolutely gorgeous and I wish I could eat him w/a spoon..but I can't shake the feeling that something's just not on the mark w/him. Is it woman's intuition? Is it my imagination gone bad? Is it b/c he's not the wonderful, loving husband I used to have? Have I gotten so cynical that I can't believe folks anymore? Do I just not trust anyone anymore? Should I trust anyone? Is it b/c I've been out of the game forever and have no clue how to date anymore?

All I know is I'm not sure of anything when it comes to this newfound freedom that I have or regarding this beautiful, specimen of a man. His looks are doing nothing to help things either. How dare he look that good and make a play and then leave before I get a taste? Good Lawd!

The rules have changed. No one told me that they did. No one has explained the new rules nor do I understand them. I'm soft after having been sitting on the sidelines for so long. I don't want complicated. I want a simple, easy, "it is what it is" relationship. Spell it out for me. Don't put it in front of me to ogle and then snatch it away. How cruel.

Widow hood. I don't like it. Starting over again on the "dating field" is just a bit much.

Why No GPS??

There should be a GPS for widow hood. I have no clue what I'm doing here. I don't seem to fit in anywhere amongst my friends. They are either married, divorced, single or "involved". They look at me sometimes with pity in their eyes.

I get to a fork in the road and I have no idea which way to go. Some days it feels that no matter which direction I take, it's not right. Dead ends and one way streets litter my life scape.

You see someone you might be interested in spending some time with and then all of these questions run through your mind. "Are they married?", "Do they have a girlfriend?", "Should I talk to them?", "Am I ready to make that step?", "Will I compare them to my spouse?"

It's too much. It overwhelms me. Who would have thought that at the age of 46, I would have to start all over again? Learn someone all over again after I had already put that work in on someone else. But that someone, like my wise but blount brother-in-law recently said to me, is "gone, dead, no longer here, so what you gonna do?"

What am I gonna do, indeed.