Live and Learn...

I knew that when I was thrust into this world of being a widow there would be a learning curve. I didn't, however, realize the curve was going to be so sharp that I would have difficulty navigating it.

I knew that the world of dating had changed immensely since I resided there. The world that we live in has changed and the people that inhabit it have changed as well. I had no clue what was waiting for me as I ventured into this foreign land.

I have made my first mistake in the dating game. I thought that I was being too cynical when I first met and started to talk to a guy that I met not long ago. I asked questions after questions. Most of the time the answers I received didn't quite add up. Some thing was just a little off. Couldn't put my finger on it exactly, but knew that something was just not quite right with his story. He then told me that I ask too many questions and if I'm going to continue to be that inquisitive, I'm going to scare guys off. So I backed off. BIG MISTAKE #1!!

We interacted almost on a daily basis over the course of 8 months. We were getting to know one another. We weren't on a serious level so to speak. Just getting to know each other. Slowly but surely. We had lots of good conversations and he shared a great part of his life w/me. I felt that perhaps this was a good thing. It felt good to have someone calling and checking with me on a daily basis. It made me feel as though someone cared again. I hadn't had those moments in such a long time. I admit that I got caught up. He was so nice looking and so nice to me. We enjoyed each others company and I liked him. He made me feel alive. So my guard went waaaaaaaayyyyyy down. I felt comfortable around him and thought that perhaps something good would come about. Although he had told me that he had a "friend" that lived about 2 hours away from where we are and that from time to time she would come visit him to "hang out". As time passed it became clear that this "friend" was more than just a friend to him. It was way more than that. I should've bailed quite some time ago. But I didn't and now I am paying the price for dancing.

That all changed abruptly. Everything that I thought I knew..I didn't. He disappeared. Poof! Gone with the wind. No longer has the same phone number, no longer works with the same company, no longer attends the gym where we were both members. I was blindsided by this behavior. I never saw it coming. The last we spoke...everything seemed fine. Nothing was any different than before. We laughed and he spoke about coming over to my house to see me. And then BAM!! he was gone. No goodbye, no see ya later, no nothing. I have been hurt by this. I thought this man was out of my league but it turns out that I'm out of his league. I miss him and I miss talking with him. I'm also concerned for his well being b/c I don't know what happened to bring this kind of thing on. I feel like an idiot for caring so much.

So I must move on and leave him in the past. But I feel that it's unfinished. I want to let him go but I have so many questions in my head about what happened and why he would do this. The ones that come after him are going to pay for his faults. That's not fair to those innocent guys that may come into my life later. But I don't want to be made a fool of again.

Pitfalls. I fell. I'll get up, brush myself off and try to continue on my way. I know now that I should question everything. And if I don't like the answers I get then I should run for my life in the opposite direction. This may cause me to be alone for a very long time to come but so be it. I'd rather be alone than to have these feelings of failure.

Live & learn. No truer words have been spoken. Just because someone looks fine on the outside doesn't mean their inside person is good. Some folks are a shell. Great on the outside...nothing on the inside. :( I'm sad but I'll prevail. I've made it through bigger and harder situations than this. And I'm still standing. Not feeling too smart at this point...but I will not repeat this faux pas.

Birthday Wishes

Today my husband would've been 72y/o. How would he feel about that? I'm not sure. He was 25 years my senior but we had so much in common it was scary. Either I was older inside than I should've been or he was younger inside than he should've been. Either way, we worked.

I miss him so much. He wasn't much on celebrating birthdays. He just wanted me to say Happy Birthday and that would be all he'd want from me. It never seemed like it was enough. Now it seems like it's too much, too late. He never seemed that much older than me. I never saw him as that much older. I still don't think of him as being that much older than me.

How I wish he were still here. We lived, we laughed, we played, we cried, we loved, we gave life and we watched life taken away together. He had always been by my side for all of those things. So those things are difficult to get through now without him. I feel empty inside. Half of a person. To borrow a line from Jerry McGuire, he completed me.

So as I wish him a happy birthday, on this his 72nd, I want to close my eyes, blow out the candles and wish for all the things that we had together. That yesterday would come again and I could hold his hand and tell him how much I love him. That I could feel "normal" again....whole....complete.

Happy Birthday John. I miss you. I love you. I wish.......