Ready....Set.....NO!

It's a good thing we don't really control our own destiny. Our lives would be in total disarray if we did. Or mine would be at least.

My husband had a saying that went something like this: "Your eyes are always bigger than your stomach." I never really applied that to anything other than eating until recently. I had my eyes set on a prize. Just knew I was going to get said prize. Had a plan in place and my chops were all set to bite down. But thanks to God, I was unable to pull it off.

Sometimes in our haste to improve our lives we make poor decisions. Some times loneliness can drive us to accept things that we normally wouldn't accept. Fool's gold. That's what he was. Nice and shiny on the outside. Looked like the real thing. Had the same sparkle as 14 carats. Just didn't have what it takes to be real gold. The packaging was nice but the box was empty. It's a shame really. All those good looks wrapped up in shiny paper but when you open the package, there's nothing there worth having. A shell. Pretty on the outside...empty on the inside.

God said to me one day, "get on your marks, get set, ready.....NO!" I jumped the line and had to start the race over. God said , "he's not the one I have for you but he's the one that I used at the time to get your attention. Now are you listening?" "Yes Lord." I said humbly. "Every thing is not meant to last a lifetime. I put him there for a season and his season is done. Now let him go so you'll have room for the one that I've been saving for you."

So the next time you think you are in control of your life, think again. Everything that glitters isn't gold, every closed eye ain't sleep and we don't always know what's best for us.

I'll miss brown sugar but I've gained a friend. His name is Richard. He was put into my life for a reason and for a season. His purpose served. It's time for him to move on. It's time for me to get on with the life I'm supposed to be living not the one that I thought I should be living.

Life in the widow-hood. It ain't easy.

The Rollercoaster Ride Continues...

If there is one thing I've learned thus far along this path of widowhood, it's that nothing is for certain. Things & people come & go. Just when you think you've got a handle on things something happens to throw a wrench into your well laid out plans.

I've made mistakes along the way. Too many to name as a matter of fact. This is what happens when you don't know what you're doing half of the time. But I've done it all with the best of intentions. Learning my way as I go. Things used to be so easy when my husband was here. I knew what he liked. I knew what made him happy. I knew how he would react to things. I knew what he would say in any given conversation. But these new people in my life, they're not him and I have to remember that. I don't know squat about them. So I keep running into the many walls that surround them. Bouncing off only to run into the next one.

I feel like a fish out of water. I go out w/friends and have a good time but it's not the same as having those loving arms waiting for me when I walk through the door. I feel like I'm just going through the motions most of the time. You don't know whose married and whose not. You feel too cynical but then when you get the whole story you feel stupid b/c you weren't cynical enough to ask the right questions.

Up, down, up, down. The roller coaster ride of widowhood. Can someone please stop this ride so I can get off? I don't want to ride anymore.