Life Happens...

Every now & then life pulls a fast one. Sends you someone that turns your world upside down when you least expect it. Fate, some would say. Dumb luck, others might think. Me? I think everything happens for a reason. Reasons we don't always understand.

In the most unlikely places, we may find unspeakable joy. It may come in the form of the most unsuspecting person that walks into our lives.

My joy. His name is James. He waltzed into my life not long ago. Smile on his face, twinkle in his eye, and not looking for anything in particular except for good conversation. I knew that from the moment we first embraced, I was in trouble. Danger is 6' tall with a sexy smile and eyes that can see right through me. His confidence overpowering his sensitivities. His need to connect in ways that most men can't, set him apart immediately. Smooth moves combined with a laugh out loud sense of humor, struck me to the core. *Swagga alert* He doesn't even realize what tools he possesses. A quality man vs a quantity guy. Swagger allows him to transition seamlessly from man of authority to man of sexiness and passion. All the qualities that I want in a person that I want to spend time with.

He wears his heart on his sleeve. Wants what we all want as human beings. To be loved and to be loved right. He foolishly thinks he can control his emotions. MEN! . Love on his terms. When, where, how and with who he wants. Silly man! Matters of the heart very seldom make sense or follow our chosen paths. Can you tell your heart what to feel?

His mind fights his heart at every turn. Mind over matter? It's the sensible thing to do..right? Rigid outlines on how his life is supposed to be. Emotions cause chaos. Never factoring in meeting someone who could divert his eyes from the prize. Men aren't supposed to follow their hearts. That's strictly girl stuff. Sometimes love doesn't fit into the nice, neat little package we envision. Sometimes it comes from out of nowhere. Fast, furious, breathtaking and right. Envelopes us in its goodness. Leaving us breathless and wanting more. There's no shame in doing what feels good. There's no harm in indulging ourselves to feel that heat. Heat that can burn us to the core. There is salve for that. The right person can soothe our crispy souls. Throw caution to the wind, walk on the wild side. Live for the moment and let yourself feel what you know is real. Allow a moment that's not by the books. That's outside the lines, that makes no sense in the big scheme of things. Give in to the desires of your heart for once and feel the joy of love that is pure and uninhibited. Take that ride and let the wind blow in your face. Feel the rain on your skin. Live with arms wide open and not thinking of what might be waiting around the next curve. Life is meant to be lived and love is meant to be experienced not planned down to the dotted 'I's' and crossed 'T's'!

You can have it all. Who says that you can't? You? Some book? Oh please! At the end of the day all that really matters is how you and your partner feel. Are you happy? Do you grin at the very mention of his/her name? Can you feel him/her even when he's/she's not there? Does the thought of him/her excite you? Do you want to be near him/her even when you're upset with him/her? No one's perfect and neither are we. We live, we laugh, we love, we're here!

Let go of your time-honored, stuffed shirt ideals and run barefoot through the field. Don't worry if there might be glass hidden amongst the grass. You get cut, I got band aids baby. :) Fly by the seat of your pants and feel the thrill of life unchained. The path to the mountain top doesn't move, it merely has a few hidden turns. But you'll get where you're going eventually. Maybe happier and with someone who loves you by your side. Isn't that what life is all about? Finding that 1 person who makes you feel you can do anything.

Treading Water...

One of the first things they teach you in swim class is how to tread water. It's an important skill to have if you're a swimmer. The reason you should know how to tread water is if you ever find yourself in deep water, on purpose or by accident, you will no longer be unable to function. Treading water enables you to keep your head above water for long periods of time lessening the chances of the swimmer drowning.

Too bad life outside of the water doesn't have a similar maneuver. I could've used that over the past few years. Losing special people left me feeling like I was drowning in a sea of grief.

I guess the passage of time is the closest thing to a "treading water" move in life. With the passage of time comes peace, acceptance, and the knowledge that life goes on.

People come. People go. Little life preservers thrown in your path to help get you through the rough patches. Friends are always there when you need them. We become less dependent on them as time moves forward. We "tread water" so we can continue to breathe. Then we start to swim again.

Butterfly stroke, breast stroke, front crawl, and backstroke. We do them all in an effort to get on with our lives. We go out. We meet people. We date. We laugh. We cry. We hope. We hurt. We love. We reminisce. We search for someone we can trust.

We find someone that seems too good to be true. We tread water while we wait for them to show their true selves because we all know no one's this good this fast. We tread water so we don't fall head over heels for someone who might end up disappointing us. And then we swim. Full speed ahead into the abyss. Hoping against all hope that he's truly what he appears to be. Good. Sweet. Kind. Honest. Loving. Sensitive. Caring.

The good thing about treading water is that it buys time so the swimmer doesn't panic and drown.

There will be no drowning today. Not here anyway. The time that I buy treading water will allow me to see things through eyes that aren't panicked.

There is Life After

There are times during this journey that one might feel that going on w/one's life is a chore that may be insurmountable (look it up James..lol). The loss of a loved one tends to bring everything you thought was right w/the world into question. Was there more that I could've done? Did I do all the right things? Did I fulfill their wishes as best as I could? Why now? How will I move forward? Can I do this on my own? What, if any, goodness is left?

The ups & downs, the backs & forths, the to's & fro's come at you at blinding speeds. You're not ready for all that is life after death. But here I was..plunged into a world that I knew nothing about in the blink of an eye. Alone for the first time in 25 years. What the what?

What do you do with all that spare time you've suddenly been handed? Usually you fill it w/menial tasks. Get out of the house. Hang out w/friends. Join a gym. Meet new people. Join an online dating site. Meet more new people. Sift through the endless sea of profiles and pictures. How do you choose someone based on their own words? How honest are they? Do they measure up? And to whose standards? Mine? Theirs? Society's?

Dust off the old B.S. radar. You're gonna need it. Dating in your 40's is nothing like dating in your 20's. You're older and wiser now. You're not gonna fall for any and every thing. Everything that looks good isn't always good for you. Weed out the less desirable w/the click of a mouse. AWESOME!

Just when you think there are no good men left...BAM! Along comes one...6 ft tall w/the most piercing eyes I've ever had the pleasure of gazing into. BUT...is he for real? For the first time in a long time, I feel alive inside again. But let's not get too carried away...it's early yet.

Life is for the living. It's just a different sort of life than I had before. I'm getting used to being unmarried. But it also feels good to have someone interested again. So I put one foot in front of the other...I breathe...inhale/exhale...Life goes on...little by little. Different yet the same.

Hmmm...who knew?

Dissecting James...

It's inevitable. If you dare to venture into this world of dating, you will meet someone along the way, who is unique enough to keep you guessing about what & who they are.

Meet my one-of-a-kind. James. A "normal" enough guy on the outside. Tall, dark, handsome. Student of people. Loves to talk and wants good conversation.

• Button Pusher! Expertly so. Finds them and presses them feverishly.


• Bull in a China Shop! Comes rumbling in, displaces things in his path and then retreats.


• Air Freshener! A breath of fresh air in this polluted world in which we live.


• Bad Romance! Wants to be loved but is afraid that will interfere with his life plans.


• Cardiac Arrest! Big man with an even bigger heart, which resides on his sleeve.


• Insatiable Appetite! Plate is always full. Can't seem to clear anything but manages to pile on more constantly.


• Thrill Seeker! Roller coaster of a man. Ups & downs. Sharp turns. Well placed obstacles in the path to his heart. Job, career, money...just to name a few.


• Fire Fighter! Likes to play with fire. Likes to start them, fan them and then watch them burn. Damage control after the fact.

I like him. He's a good guy beneath that suit of armor. It's not as ironclad as he thinks. There are cracks in it. I can see them when he sits beside me and looks into my eyes.

I nicknamed him Superman. Man of steel, able to leap life's obstacles and short women in a single bound. He likes that moniker. Signs his emails to me with it.

I'm enjoying this ride with him. I think he knows I'm a good woman. He just has no room in his life right now for someone like me.

Let's hope at some point he'll take those blinders off and see what's right in front of him

Superman meets good woman.

End of story!

Oh...The Dating Game..

continues for those of us too lonely and determined to not spend the rest of our lives without someone special in it. But where in the world does someone meet someone decent in this day & age? It's difficult to say the least.

So as I lamented to a friend about this very thing, he suggested to me, "hey why don't you try one of those online dating sites and see what happens?" Online dating sites? Really? I mean, seriously? Well that didn't seem too ridiculous actually.

So I joined a few sites and boy oh boy it's been some adventure! I've actually met a few good people along the way. I've had a few nice dates, chatted with a few interesting fellows and dodged one heckuva nice looking crazy dude. Interesting!

It's been a unique and learning experience. There is one fellow that has piqued my interest I must say. He's strong and charming. Slick tongued is what I would call him..but in a respectful way. Knows what to say and when to say it. He practically ran me over with emails to talk with him...said he liked what he saw when he viewed "my profile" on the dating site, wanted to get to know me better. Begged for my phone number which I eventually relinquished to him. Then came the invites to meet face to face. Every single conversation we had ended w/this, "please come see me..I want to look into your eyes and see what's there." Oh please...I thought...lol..don't make me laugh. As it turns out, he had the last laugh. He's charming, witty, intelligent, sexy as all get out and is one tall glass of water! I resisted as long as I could but eventually gave in to his request to meet face to face. I'm glad that I did. He's truly a gem, not perfect, but human. He studies people and has a good awareness of what one thinks. We both want to take things slow as we've both had bad experiences in this journey into the dating world. He makes me laugh. He makes me think. He makes me want him to be in my presence. It's far too early to declare anything except that I enjoy his company and I believe he enjoys mine. There is definitely some kind of "spark" between us. Some kind of chemistry that we've yet to figure out. There are still lots of things to cover in this newly budding friendship. I only hope he will let me stick around for a little while longer. There's frustration to the hilt but there's also joy unspeakable when I see him sometimes. He wormed his way in to my little corner of the world. Now I've got to figure out where or what I should do with him. I believe just to let things happen would probably be the best thing. I don't want to push too hard for fear of him running into the night screaming bloody murder.

This dating stuff is just so complicated. Balancing acts...not too much...not too little. It can drive a gal crazy!

Let's see where Superman wants to go. (That's my nickname for him ...Superman..b/c he's the man of steel..impurvious to bullets, pain and he can leap tall buildings and short women in a single bound..hehehehe)...