If there is one thing I've learned thus far along this path of widowhood, it's that nothing is for certain. Things & people come & go. Just when you think you've got a handle on things something happens to throw a wrench into your well laid out plans.
I've made mistakes along the way. Too many to name as a matter of fact. This is what happens when you don't know what you're doing half of the time. But I've done it all with the best of intentions. Learning my way as I go. Things used to be so easy when my husband was here. I knew what he liked. I knew what made him happy. I knew how he would react to things. I knew what he would say in any given conversation. But these new people in my life, they're not him and I have to remember that. I don't know squat about them. So I keep running into the many walls that surround them. Bouncing off only to run into the next one.
I feel like a fish out of water. I go out w/friends and have a good time but it's not the same as having those loving arms waiting for me when I walk through the door. I feel like I'm just going through the motions most of the time. You don't know whose married and whose not. You feel too cynical but then when you get the whole story you feel stupid b/c you weren't cynical enough to ask the right questions.
Up, down, up, down. The roller coaster ride of widowhood. Can someone please stop this ride so I can get off? I don't want to ride anymore.
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