Weight Bearing..

Some things in life can't be avoided. Death, taxes, breathing are just a few. And then there are the things that you've put on your own shoulders to do. Those are, perhaps, the things that tend to make you dread being in this predicament.

I had to go to the cemetery today to remove the Xmas decorations I had placed on my husband, son and mother-in-law's graves. It's a little thing but it's something that makes my day so heavy. I carried it out like a good wife, mother and daughter-in-law should. But I left sadder than when I arrived.

For some reason, its gotten harder to go out there since I buried my husband. I was just getting used to going to the cemetery to visit my son's grave when my husband passed. Now it seems to be heavier than it ever has been. Half of my family is there and it takes a toll no matter what I do. I know that I'm still fresh in my grief for my husband and that has a lot to do with it. I don't go as much as I used to and I feel guilty for that at times. I have no one to share this with any longer. I used to go & visit my son's grave and come home and tell my husband about it and I knew that he knew how I felt. His death has left me here to deal w/the loss of a child all alone. He was the only other person that knew my pain on a personal level because we lost OUR son. He felt the same pain and loss as me. That has been a huge deal for me. I feel so alone.

I feel so alone in most things. It's unbelievable how much I had come to depend on my husband for companionship and understanding. I miss having someone who understands me on the same level when I say, "I miss Derrick".

Having to go to the cold cemetery to do for the ones I love is sometimes more than I can bear. But I have no choice...that's where they are. I'm left here to do the weight bearing exercises that others have no clue about.