Sometimes it feels like I'm moving forward at 100 mph. Other times I feel as if I'm not moving at all. And then there are times that I feel I'm moving backwards.
One of those backward times hit me a few days ago. Out of nowhere it came. Sneaking up on me like a 3rd grade boy at recess trying to scare a little girl with a fake spider. BAM! I was transported back to July 22, 2009 in a flash! It felt like John had just died and I didn't know what I was gonna do next. I missed him so much I ached inside. I wanted to feel his arms around me more than I wanted to breathe. The tears came. I told him over & over how much I missed him & how much I wished he were here. I told him how unfair it was that he was gone. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be here. By my side. We were supposed to live happily ever after. Happily ever after was only 25 years long. That's not long enough. No amount of time is ever long enough when you love someone.
It rocked my very core this trip back to the day my world changed. I've often heard the 2nd year is harder than the 1st. It's true. I'm now at the point where I know John is really gone. He's not coming back. I'm really all alone. Nothing left but memories, pictures and videos of what used to be. My world, my happiness, my husband, my family.
He'll always be a part of me. And I know that I can recall him any time that I want. But it's not the same. I'd rather feel him next to me, breathing, snoring softly in my ear, which makes me elbow him and say.."turn over, you're keeping me awake." The thing I miss the most....coming home to him. Knowing he was here waiting for me everyday was worth it's weight in gold. I miss that and everything that comes with it.
I won't stay in this place for long. But it's a place that I have to visit in order to move forward. I'm between the living and the dead. Afraid to let go, afraid to hang on.
I miss you, John. Now & forever. I love you. Now & forever. I won't ever forget.
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